...vs The Second City

The latest column from Michael Humphreys......





"Welcome to Chicago, Motherfucker."

Yes, a rather crude statement, but it was also the name of one of CM Punk's finishers when he wrestled for Ring of Honor from 2002-2005. I AM A CM PUNK MARK. By now, you've all heard CM Punk's promo, and you've all read a multitude of people give their opinions on whether it was a work, a shoot, or a work-shoot. If it was on TV, it was a work. They may not have known what he was going to say, but they knew it was going to happen. I feel like it was one of the greatest wrestling promos in many, many years. In my opinion, it's probably the best one since Paul Heyman's November 2001 promo when he proceeded to rip Vince McMahon a new one while Vince himself was standing in the ring.

I've made a lot of stupid road trips in my day. I once drove eleven hours to watch ECW's DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER. I do not remember why I did this foolish thing. I drove fourteen hours to TNA's first Bound for Glory outside of the Impact Zone. I thought TNA was fucking awesome at the time and decided that I had to go to this show. Never, though, had the words of one man driven me to immediately purchase tickets to a professional wrestling show TEN HOURS AWAY from home. This is what the kids call a road trip. Yes, a foolish road trip, but a road trip nonetheless. So, I'm going to Chicago, Illinois to watch CM Punk battle John Cena for the WWE Title at the Money in the Bank PPV. I had decided that I was going to go after LAST WEEK'S Raw when Punk won the triple threat match to become the number one contender and then he cut the promo saying he was leaving and that he was taking the WWE Title with him. I decided that the heat for that match in CHICAGO was going to be something that I could not miss.

But I didn't immediately buy those tickets.

I've decided that this is WWE, and yes, they often get my hopes up, but they manage to screw it up at the end. So, I waited, and missed out on some pretty decent $25 seats. Then, Monday's promo happened. A promo that may have turned the business upside down. Or it may not. They may have done this just to sell out the house in Chicago or to pop one buyrate, and maybe next month we'll go back to normal. Or maybe its the start of something much bigger. Maybe CM Punk resigned months ago, and we're all marks for believing anything this man says. I didn't care. They cut his mic. They faded to black. I bought the tickets. Section 205, Row E, Seats 31-32. I'm going to be in that building that night. I can't wait.

You better believe that John Cena will be the heel on that night. CM Punk will be the most beloved man in all of Chicago. I expect that this will be the most heated professional wrestling match I have seen live since Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 25. CM Punk will win the WWE Title. He probably won't leave with it though. I've got this idea in the back of my head that sees Alberto del Rio winning the belt from Punk. Punk takes his break, and we get Alberto del Rio vs. John Cena for the WWE Title at Summerslam with Alberto del Rio as Vince McMahon's new corporate champion, of sorts. This all makes more sense if you've read next week's Raw spoilers.

I love the Second City.

I'm not sure why it's called that. I think it had something to do with New York City and someone from there deciding that Chicago was indeed not as good of a city. I grew up a Chicago Bulls fan. Michael Jordan is one of my few non-wrestling heroes in life. I've been there three times before. Of course, each trip had to do with professional wrestling...as any good trip should. Three trips to Chicago, and I don't believe I've ever seen any of the tourist stuff you're supposed to see when you go to Chicago. It's been all wrestling, and that's okay with me. So, let's look back at my three previous trips to Chicago.

1. February 2007: I had just started watch Ring of Honor. A lot of Ring of Honor. So much, in fact, that I would go to their website when they would have sales and buy ten to twenty DVDs at a time. There wasn't a whole lot going on in the mainstream wrestling at the time. TNA was booking matches with the VooDoo Kin Mafia against Christy Hemme and the Big Fat Oily Guy. WWE was doing their build to Wrestlemania 23 (which I ended up going to, but that's another story for another time). I wasn't sure what they were going to do since the idea was to do the HHH vs. John Cena rematch, but Hunter got hurt, and that went down the drain. So, I immersed myself in Ring of Honor. I went to this show with two good friends of mine. The show wasn't at the usual Ring of Honor venue, and actually, I don't remember the name of the building at all. We sat fourth row, and it was awesome. The crowd was on fire, and there was nothing offensive on the show. The main event was Takeshi Morishima & Nigel McGuiness vs. Homicide & Samoa Joe. This was the night after Homicide had lost the ROH World Title to Morishima. It was also Samoa Joe's last American Ring of Honor show. He would do two more dates in England after this show. McGuiness pinned Joe in the main event, and then Joe cut an awesome promo, as most guys do when they're on the way out. We stayed and helped with cleanup after the show. Yes, the marks helped tear things down. I got my picture taken with Samoa Joe that night and Delirious. It was an all around good time.

2. April 2007: Good Times, Great Memories. Colt Cabana's last Ring of Honor show before he went off to WWE for a brief stay. I traveled a lot during the early part of 2007. I lived off student loans and didn't bother going to class. Foolishness on my part, but it was so much fun. I rented a car for this show. It was supposed to be a tiny compact vehicle, but they ran out of those. So, Hertz gave me a LUXURY VAN. It was awesome and had a DVD player. Why a DVD player? I do not know, but I used it to play videos of shoot interviews I bought at the Ring of Honor show. So, I drove to Chicago. I left on a Friday night and stopped about halfway. I got to Chicago on Saturday afternoon and went to an IWA-Mid-South show. I remember almost nothing about this show, other than Mickie Knuckles being in charge of concessions. A year later she was in TNA. I think I left the show early to get to the ROH show on time. ROH was back in their usual venue, the same one they use today. The show was dedicated to Colt Cabana, but the highlight of the card was a match between the Motor City Machine Guns and the The Brisco Brothers. This was a fine professional wrestling match. Apparently, CM Punk was at the show, but of course, he stayed hidden away from the fans. I got Cold Cabana's autograph and a picture with him that night. Another all around good time.

3. September 2008: I had quit my job on a Friday and started a new one on Monday. I had no money, and my new job was just a part time gig with a slight promise of getting promoted at some point in the future. So, what did I do? I blew what little money I had to drive to the outskirts of Chicago, Illinois to watch two nights of rather shitty pro wrestling in what amounted to nothing more than a community center. IWA: Mid-South was running their yearly Ted Petty Invitational, and for some reason, I felt the need to go. Mickie Knucles was selling tickets this time. She had just broken her ankle, which ended her short stint with TNA. Sucks to be her, I guess. So, these two nights was a venerable who's who of indy wrestling geeks. One of the highlights was Tracy Smothers standing by the merchandise table to curls with some dumbbells. I guess he couldn't do that in the back. He had to do it in front of the marks. I HATE SAMI CALLIHAN. The geek used to be a fatty, and he had lost a lot of weight. Then, he started punching folks really hard, and everyone was like OH MY GOD, HE CAN WORK. Bullshit, I say. This pissed me off even more when this geeks made it to the finals of the tournament. I also got to see the Necro Butcher and Eddie Kingston beat the hell out of each other. Funny story to come out of this show: Ian Rotten pretty much stiffed everyone on pay. Lot's of "I'll get you next time, brother". Well, I don't think there ever was a "next" time and this group has since gone out of business. That's almost a shame because they did help a lot of guys get their start including YOUR CURRENT TNA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, MR. FUCKING ANDERSON. I guess what I'm trying to say here is LOL IWA MIDSOUTH LOL and LOL TNA LOL.

Because, let's face it, every good wrestling story needs to end, regardless of it's subject matter, with a good LOLing of TNA.

On July 17, 2011, I will be taking my fourth trip to Chicago for professional wrestling. It'll be at the AllState Arena, formerly the Rosemonth Horizon. On July 17th, I'm probably going to see two WWE title changes in one night. Or maybe I'll see just one, and maybe it'll just be CM Punk winning the title and going back to Ring of Honor.

"Hey, Colt Cabana! How you doing?"

I'm going to Chicago, motherfucker...
...and that means I'm better than you.