...vs The Executive Protection

Michael Humphreys is back with a new column!!





BRODUS CLAY

I typed these words into the YouTube, and I'm expecting to get something awesome in return. I'm not really sure why I'm a big fan of the guy. I guess he just looks so different than everyone else in WWE. I'm sort of sad that I didn't watch his season of NXT. I didn't notice his awesomeness until he was on Smackdown with Alberto del Rio.

Anyway, here's something called "Meet NXT Rookie Brodus Clay". I'm going to click on that.

He's all pimped out in a vest and tie, and his hat says MONSTAROUS. Before he went to WWE, he was in the field of "executive protection". In other words, he was a bodyguard. Not just any bodyguard, but SNOOP DOGG's bodyguard.

He's in the WWE for a paycheck, and he wants the glory. HE'S THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND HOW OF NXT.

Well, he is large enough to be all those things.

A fine video. Let's find a match to watch.

Here's a good one from the January 18, 2011 edition of NXT - Ted DiBiase and Brodus Clay vs. DANIEL BRYAN and Derrick Bateman. I know nothing about Derrick Bateman.

While waiting on YouTube to load the match, I looked up Brodus Clay on Wikipedia. He's been with WWE since 2006 and has no wrestling experience before that. He used to wrestle as "G-Rilla". I let out a "holy shit" when I read that because I had read about "G-Rilla" in the dirt sheets when he was first signed and he was awful. Apparently, he was a Tommy Dreamer discovery.

Anyway, let's watch some sports entertainment.

Derrick Bateman looks whacky enough. He's pretending to be Daniel Bryan. Not the worse person in the world to intimidate.

Match starts with Bateman and DiBiase.

I don't like doing play-by-play. I prefer making some observations about what I see.

DIBIASE TAGS IN BRODUS CLAY, and we've got DANIEL BRYAN VS. BRODUS CLAY.

This is like my WWE geek dream match.

BRODUS squashes Bryan in the corner and yells. He's got some man boobs if I've ever seen them.

NOW A NERVE HOLD.

Bryan with some kicks to the knees and Brodus suplexes the ever loving fuck out of him.

TODD GRISHAM JUST CALLED HIM A RAGING RHINO.

Uh-Oh. DiBiase just pushed Brodus, and Brodus is gonna walk. Derrick Bateman with the school boy and DiBiase loses. Brodus walks off with a grin on his face. Maryse (who's been standing a ringside texting the whole time) is laughing as well.

HAHA TED DIBIASE.

I hope at some point in the future I can get a good ten minute Daniel Bryan vs. Brodus Clay match. Or better yet, a Sin Cara vs. Brodus Clay match. Imagine that awesomeness.

Let's see what else YouTube gives me...

...ah, here's one from Florida Championship Wrestling. Developmental, if you will.

From October 17, 2010 - Brodus Clay vs. Lucky Cannon. Lucky was on NXT. I think the second season, but that's not important. What's important here is that Brodus Clay is wearing traditional wrestling tights and not any of that singlet mess.

He's got some awesome techno music and he's wearing jewelry. AND HE'S GOT THE MONSTAROUS HAT AGAIN. Developmental is so whacky.

Brodus Clay is a powerful man. Lucky is foolish to think his flippy, flip moves are going to affect this man in any way. So, he starts with kicks to the legs, and just when he thinks Brodus is down, Brodus ducks and Lucky Cannon is made to look like a fool.

SUPLEXES FROM BRODUS CLAY. He likes his T-Bone Suplex. I've seen it in every match he's done.

And there's that nerve hold again.

There's one fan in the crowd clapping, so Lucky Cannon has one fan. I'm sure the crowd silence is due to their being in awe of Brodus Clay.

THE HELICOPTER.

This is pre-mohawk, by the way. He made a wise decision with the mohawk.

Brodus wins the match with a CHOKESLAM. They call it the G-GRIP. While making the pinfall, he does pushups. Large men don't do pushups. We eat and we drink and we live an angry life thinking about the women we wish we could make love to but can't. But you see, that's why Brodus Clay is awesome and is so much different than all us other large men - he's making love to those women.

HE'S A MONSTAR.

While we're at it, here's what I wrote about his match against Trent Baretta at the WWE House Show in Tupelo on May 8, 2011:

"Brodus Clay came out with some whacky jazzy elevator music playing. This amused me. I am quite the Brodus Clay fan, so I was happy to see him. He had a match with Trent Baretta, and Baretta won with a tornado DDT. It was very, very good."

I'M THE WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND HOW OF CHEAP HEAT RADIO DOT COM.

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